Lena, I want you to have a regular advice column forever. Forever is a longass time and you’re busy enough but you are genuinely really fucking good at this. I see the recovery and the hard-earned wisdom. Great job!
You’re a friggin gem and I will always be grateful to getting to appear topless on your stunning program with a Brussels griffon chihuahua mix called Morley Safer. I hope you are getting good rest here and there! Congrats on numero uno on all those lists!!!!!!
Hi honey! I just subscribed to ya. I’m good - living in Chicago, writing a book about Abe Lincoln (I really leaned into Illinois when I left Fort Greene, I guess!) How about you?
The pleasure nexus thing (chocolate, cigarettes) is what I counsel people in their relationship to drugs too. Not that it's the same thing to have chocolate or do cocaine, but it's often a sign that you are without pleasure in other places in your life, and so instead of chastising yourself for finding pleasure where it is available, you can see it as a temporary reprieve that signals you must search for a more sustainable source of it elsewhere.
Thank you for this very needed dunhamism. It's heartbreaking to realize that you are not the cup of tea of people who are supposed to love/like/support you, but then you can also have the epiphany that they are not your favorite either, and that's priceless
I am a English Lecturer and some of my best attentive grading is done in bed. I feel I am kinder to my undergraduate student responses when I am grading papers in bed. I loved this so much. I also always had a hunch there must be a reason why I have always been in awe of Frida!
Overall, a lovely read. Thanks for writing such a comforting piece.
So much in here - and for me, today, in particular this: ‘that’s not taste- it’s heat seeking’. I have a memoir coming out next year and I’m already worrying about how it will be received. Distinguishing between taste and heat-seeking will be a good start.
Again, loved reading you. Your writing is gorgeous.
I would only say I’d like to have heard more about people living in one’s head rent-free. I’ve recently taken all the steps with the eviction of said people, and find they are stubbornly squatting.
Invariably I weaponize this against myself—if I were only smarter more confident less crazy they’d be easier to evict. They’d go.
That’s what I want to know—how to have compassion for myself even when I’m not successful. I’m not great at this.
Every day is a chance to reorient- it will be a lot of days that end with squatters continuing their reign. And then one day, you wake up- and you realize they aren’t playing music, you don’t smell their microwaved soup- they have moved! They have moved!
I would say it’s not practice makes perfect but practice not perfection. They are stubborn for a reason, but they aren’t gonna outlive you in there…
I haven’t perfected this yet myself (who has, though?) but I’ve noticed that thinking compassionate thoughts about these people helps a ton. Angry thoughts only make these people louder in my head. If you are really skilled at some point, you can even wish them good things.
Loved this. I had a particularly pestilent ex who kept showing up in my nice sunny life in his EMT uniform, insisting he did not want to date me. I decided to banish him to conceptual Ohio. Somewhere fine but boring (sorry) where I didn’t need to worry about him and didn’t want to go. I offer it. I’m sure your haints and mine would have nice, awkward conversations together in line at the post office.
Do you know that Edith Wharton wrote in bed and tossed the filled sheets to the floor for her maid to collect and collate? They love to share this tidbit on the tour of her house.
I am actively trying to banish friends or rather former friends from my mind who were from a past life with an ex. Living in a small city (cape town), that is much harder than you'd think and that letter hit home as I've had similar instances of seeing them around and the feeling is kind of mutual but our social groups are so intertwined so its hard to make a clean break. I relate to that feeling of knowing these people really don't care for you yet still being interested in their lives. This perspective really helped.
Big fan of your work and your latest press run, keen to read your book Lena. My partner got me down a rabbit hole with the ny times and las culturista pods. Greetings from South Africa :)
I just printed out half of this letter and am on my way to have it tattooed in the underside of my eyelids, as I'm about to publish my first book, a memoir, in early June and just received an unfavorable review that has made me question the last eight or so years I spent believing fully in everything I was doing.
All at once, my steadfastness and commitment to my project felt like folly, a mind trick I played on myself and fell for, but after reading your advice, I know this can't be true. Your words helped me remember how much I love what I made and I stand by it fully, even if one person at one place can't see what I was after. So fucking what?! One line they pulled as evidence of my missteps is even one of my favorites in the entire book! At first read, I questioned it, but now, I feel like, "Nope. You can't take that away from me."
Oh, to have written a whole-ass memoir about the pain of trying to please everyone all the time and how that almost killed me, and now, I want everyone who reads it to be pleased with me. Make it make sense? Well, you did and you do. Thank you for the advice you gave here and for the latest book you wrote. I'm savoring it, chapter by chapter, trying to make it last. Thank you, Lena. Your story helps me make more sense of my own. I am so grateful.
This is a good ass article. I think one key is just telling yourself you’re not dealing with that person. No social media nothing. Just shift your focus to other people and other things.
First, I am LOVING Famesick! LOVE-ING! One thing that hit me so hard (in the best possible way) as an artist and writer who has been dealing with chronic illness since before Y2K is “the motor and compass of creative inspiration”! You managed to capture a tremendous part of my life and yours in 6 words! BRAVA! Thank you!
I know you love words, and I know the activity you call Bed Rotting all too well. Might I suggest a different, (I think) more accurate and empowering word - negentropying.
It means a system that is becoming more organized and complex rather than falling into disorder. And it sounds scientific and badass!
I scored a ticket to see you in San Francisco! Don’t know how I didn’t know sooner that you would be here! I would be delighted to take you out to my favorite vegan restaurant before or after. Laurie has all my contact info.
Lena, I want you to have a regular advice column forever. Forever is a longass time and you’re busy enough but you are genuinely really fucking good at this. I see the recovery and the hard-earned wisdom. Great job!
Saraaa 😭😭😭 my forever bathtub nerve girl!!! Thank you honey
You’re a friggin gem and I will always be grateful to getting to appear topless on your stunning program with a Brussels griffon chihuahua mix called Morley Safer. I hope you are getting good rest here and there! Congrats on numero uno on all those lists!!!!!!
Agreed!
Sara! I haven't seen you in forever!!! How are you?
Hi honey! I just subscribed to ya. I’m good - living in Chicago, writing a book about Abe Lincoln (I really leaned into Illinois when I left Fort Greene, I guess!) How about you?
Im great! Just busy negotiating those peace talks between the US and Iran. You're welcome, America!
I hope you make everybody pause for a dance break sometimes.
Yes please - advice column!
Totally!
Well said
Working from bed rocks. I call it my Boffice.
I call it my besk
The pleasure nexus thing (chocolate, cigarettes) is what I counsel people in their relationship to drugs too. Not that it's the same thing to have chocolate or do cocaine, but it's often a sign that you are without pleasure in other places in your life, and so instead of chastising yourself for finding pleasure where it is available, you can see it as a temporary reprieve that signals you must search for a more sustainable source of it elsewhere.
I love this- recovery is also about harm reduction
Thank you for this very needed dunhamism. It's heartbreaking to realize that you are not the cup of tea of people who are supposed to love/like/support you, but then you can also have the epiphany that they are not your favorite either, and that's priceless
I am a English Lecturer and some of my best attentive grading is done in bed. I feel I am kinder to my undergraduate student responses when I am grading papers in bed. I loved this so much. I also always had a hunch there must be a reason why I have always been in awe of Frida!
Overall, a lovely read. Thanks for writing such a comforting piece.
So much in here - and for me, today, in particular this: ‘that’s not taste- it’s heat seeking’. I have a memoir coming out next year and I’m already worrying about how it will be received. Distinguishing between taste and heat-seeking will be a good start.
Again, loved reading you. Your writing is gorgeous.
I would only say I’d like to have heard more about people living in one’s head rent-free. I’ve recently taken all the steps with the eviction of said people, and find they are stubbornly squatting.
Invariably I weaponize this against myself—if I were only smarter more confident less crazy they’d be easier to evict. They’d go.
That’s what I want to know—how to have compassion for myself even when I’m not successful. I’m not great at this.
Every day is a chance to reorient- it will be a lot of days that end with squatters continuing their reign. And then one day, you wake up- and you realize they aren’t playing music, you don’t smell their microwaved soup- they have moved! They have moved!
I would say it’s not practice makes perfect but practice not perfection. They are stubborn for a reason, but they aren’t gonna outlive you in there…
Love it. Hopeful. Thanks.
I haven’t perfected this yet myself (who has, though?) but I’ve noticed that thinking compassionate thoughts about these people helps a ton. Angry thoughts only make these people louder in my head. If you are really skilled at some point, you can even wish them good things.
Loved this. I had a particularly pestilent ex who kept showing up in my nice sunny life in his EMT uniform, insisting he did not want to date me. I decided to banish him to conceptual Ohio. Somewhere fine but boring (sorry) where I didn’t need to worry about him and didn’t want to go. I offer it. I’m sure your haints and mine would have nice, awkward conversations together in line at the post office.
Do you know that Edith Wharton wrote in bed and tossed the filled sheets to the floor for her maid to collect and collate? They love to share this tidbit on the tour of her house.
Heaven on the Mount
This is so tender 😭💗
I am actively trying to banish friends or rather former friends from my mind who were from a past life with an ex. Living in a small city (cape town), that is much harder than you'd think and that letter hit home as I've had similar instances of seeing them around and the feeling is kind of mutual but our social groups are so intertwined so its hard to make a clean break. I relate to that feeling of knowing these people really don't care for you yet still being interested in their lives. This perspective really helped.
Big fan of your work and your latest press run, keen to read your book Lena. My partner got me down a rabbit hole with the ny times and las culturista pods. Greetings from South Africa :)
I just printed out half of this letter and am on my way to have it tattooed in the underside of my eyelids, as I'm about to publish my first book, a memoir, in early June and just received an unfavorable review that has made me question the last eight or so years I spent believing fully in everything I was doing.
All at once, my steadfastness and commitment to my project felt like folly, a mind trick I played on myself and fell for, but after reading your advice, I know this can't be true. Your words helped me remember how much I love what I made and I stand by it fully, even if one person at one place can't see what I was after. So fucking what?! One line they pulled as evidence of my missteps is even one of my favorites in the entire book! At first read, I questioned it, but now, I feel like, "Nope. You can't take that away from me."
Oh, to have written a whole-ass memoir about the pain of trying to please everyone all the time and how that almost killed me, and now, I want everyone who reads it to be pleased with me. Make it make sense? Well, you did and you do. Thank you for the advice you gave here and for the latest book you wrote. I'm savoring it, chapter by chapter, trying to make it last. Thank you, Lena. Your story helps me make more sense of my own. I am so grateful.
I would love to read the author's novel if she's open to sharing its title!
This is a good ass article. I think one key is just telling yourself you’re not dealing with that person. No social media nothing. Just shift your focus to other people and other things.
First, I am LOVING Famesick! LOVE-ING! One thing that hit me so hard (in the best possible way) as an artist and writer who has been dealing with chronic illness since before Y2K is “the motor and compass of creative inspiration”! You managed to capture a tremendous part of my life and yours in 6 words! BRAVA! Thank you!
I know you love words, and I know the activity you call Bed Rotting all too well. Might I suggest a different, (I think) more accurate and empowering word - negentropying.
It means a system that is becoming more organized and complex rather than falling into disorder. And it sounds scientific and badass!
I scored a ticket to see you in San Francisco! Don’t know how I didn’t know sooner that you would be here! I would be delighted to take you out to my favorite vegan restaurant before or after. Laurie has all my contact info.
You smashed your press tour and your book!♥️
I love you! ❤️😘💕 (and only across town I think?)
I love how grounded and real this is. We all need more Dunhamisms in our lives. <3