Laurie Colwin does a wonderful job of showing happily married people who also sometimes have affairs while still being in love with their spouses. And her descriptions of cozy domestic life are glorious. Every one of her books is a gem. I desperately wish she’d lived longer so we could have the books she’d have written as she got older.
Perfect opinions as always. I also have poly friends and I can’t tell if their brains are far more expanded than mine or if they’re all just masochists.
Why Did I Ever is the Mary Robison book that rightfully gets the most attention, because it is perfect, but if you're in the market for fucked up marriage books, I recommend her earlier novel Subtraction. I'm not sure it “works” perfectly but it has so much going for it. In addition to being a great portrait of being down bad for a man who's objectively awful, it is also set partially in Houston, a city that the right writer can really make a lot of use of - the weird combination of Texas oil money and the swampy mysticism more commonly associated with Louisiana
Just rewatched this episode of Girls yesterday, by complete chance, and ordered myself a copy. Definitely adding some of these to my list. (FWIW I also think people should do what they want but I am a monogamy girl through and through – maybe I’m just unimaginative.)
I vote for everyone to have pleasure and comfort- and I do sometimes wonder if monogamy is just a failure of my imagination but even if that’s the case I really like it :)
I was in an open relationship for almost five years, and I swore I’d never go monogamous again! I was too hot for that!! Sex with new people was so fun, especially when they ended up being a good friend too. The downside was that I fell out of love with my actual boyfriend, and then I fell stupidly in love with a guy I would have gone full trad wife for on the spot. Spoiler alert: he did not give a fuck about me lmao. Years of commitment issues later…I am now married and monogamous lol. But I do miss adventuring and the novelty of not knowing who I’d meet and how they’d be in bed. Miranda July nailed these feelings in “All Fours.”
Mesh ballet flats perplex me — why would you want to show that much feet, and for free, on top of it? This was an excellent list and I would add James Salter's Light Years to the list but that's monogamy misery in this case. So much easier to write about, I suppose!
This is one of the most beautifully written books of all time. Wonderful recommendation. I feel like more people read A Sport and a Passtime (which if you have time, sure!) but I think this is both better at the sentence level — something I always mean as a compliment — and has more interesting things to say about marriage. And I’m divorced so possibly not the authority here.
We are all authorities whether it’s lasted or not! Arguably a divorce gives you ALL the perspective. It’s one of the few things in the world of stressful impersonal dynamics that I haven’t tried!
You are so funny. I’m totally pro poly but I’m a queer therapist who has seen it work really well for a lot of people.
I think like any kind of relationship, there are good and bad ways to engage in it. Some people really are just better with more options and balance and communicate well. It’s not just a trend but an opening of opportunities for different kinds of people. We don’t often think of monogamy as dominant culture but it is, and I think poly people like Bi people used to be, are often maligned as slutty or greedy when the reality of how they exist with their loved ones is much more complicated and nuanced. I know a lot of poly people who take time off of multiple partners and focus on one relationship at times. Their poly identity is about how they feel engaging in romantic relationships and their potential to also connect with others. It’s a queer identity.
I also have Phillip Roth saved now to read. You and Taffy recommend him so I’ll try to overcome my opinion that he is toxic and give him a go.
Oh, thanks for sharing, Lena! Philip Roth fascinated me as well when I first started writing—and he still does! When She Was Good is one of my favorites. And of course, Madame Bovary—a must-read for any passionate French reader—holds a special place in my heart. Ahah!
SO happy to see While I Was Gone here, an expert suspense novel with such incredible first-person introspection at the same time: I thought I was the only one who'd read it in the past decades years! You might also like Jane Smiley's Duplicate Keys, about a group of friends in their twenties living in the city (UWS) in the early 1980s, who all have keys to each other's apartments - two get killed at the start and the rest is trying to figure out who did it and why.
Laurie Colwin does a wonderful job of showing happily married people who also sometimes have affairs while still being in love with their spouses. And her descriptions of cozy domestic life are glorious. Every one of her books is a gem. I desperately wish she’d lived longer so we could have the books she’d have written as she got older.
Love this rec, going in
My favorite author ❤️
Yes! 100%. Her lack of judgement in Family Happiness is delicate genius. She was such a gem. Her cookbooks read like novels. She died far too young.
Perfect opinions as always. I also have poly friends and I can’t tell if their brains are far more expanded than mine or if they’re all just masochists.
Still struggling to understand but open to learning 😜
Such goodies!
Why Did I Ever is the Mary Robison book that rightfully gets the most attention, because it is perfect, but if you're in the market for fucked up marriage books, I recommend her earlier novel Subtraction. I'm not sure it “works” perfectly but it has so much going for it. In addition to being a great portrait of being down bad for a man who's objectively awful, it is also set partially in Houston, a city that the right writer can really make a lot of use of - the weird combination of Texas oil money and the swampy mysticism more commonly associated with Louisiana
Ohhh amazing rec and also haven’t read her, so excited by this excellent sales pitch 😍
Just rewatched this episode of Girls yesterday, by complete chance, and ordered myself a copy. Definitely adding some of these to my list. (FWIW I also think people should do what they want but I am a monogamy girl through and through – maybe I’m just unimaginative.)
I vote for everyone to have pleasure and comfort- and I do sometimes wonder if monogamy is just a failure of my imagination but even if that’s the case I really like it :)
I was in an open relationship for almost five years, and I swore I’d never go monogamous again! I was too hot for that!! Sex with new people was so fun, especially when they ended up being a good friend too. The downside was that I fell out of love with my actual boyfriend, and then I fell stupidly in love with a guy I would have gone full trad wife for on the spot. Spoiler alert: he did not give a fuck about me lmao. Years of commitment issues later…I am now married and monogamous lol. But I do miss adventuring and the novelty of not knowing who I’d meet and how they’d be in bed. Miranda July nailed these feelings in “All Fours.”
I wanna read THIS book!!!
just think we should all bang or think about banging whoever we want consensually!!!
1000p and I hope everyone can tell I’m here for it even if I’m not HERE for it
Mesh ballet flats perplex me — why would you want to show that much feet, and for free, on top of it? This was an excellent list and I would add James Salter's Light Years to the list but that's monogamy misery in this case. So much easier to write about, I suppose!
My feelings about the ballet flats are complex, but this recommendation ? Pure excitement !
This is one of the most beautifully written books of all time. Wonderful recommendation. I feel like more people read A Sport and a Passtime (which if you have time, sure!) but I think this is both better at the sentence level — something I always mean as a compliment — and has more interesting things to say about marriage. And I’m divorced so possibly not the authority here.
We are all authorities whether it’s lasted or not! Arguably a divorce gives you ALL the perspective. It’s one of the few things in the world of stressful impersonal dynamics that I haven’t tried!
You have to read “Waist Deep” by Linea Maja Ernst! It’s on the subject of monogamy / polyamory. Super sexy and full of yearning. Queer.. Fun..
Book of the summer according to Vogue UK !
https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/waist-deep-linea-maja-ernst-interview
You are so funny. I’m totally pro poly but I’m a queer therapist who has seen it work really well for a lot of people.
I think like any kind of relationship, there are good and bad ways to engage in it. Some people really are just better with more options and balance and communicate well. It’s not just a trend but an opening of opportunities for different kinds of people. We don’t often think of monogamy as dominant culture but it is, and I think poly people like Bi people used to be, are often maligned as slutty or greedy when the reality of how they exist with their loved ones is much more complicated and nuanced. I know a lot of poly people who take time off of multiple partners and focus on one relationship at times. Their poly identity is about how they feel engaging in romantic relationships and their potential to also connect with others. It’s a queer identity.
I also have Phillip Roth saved now to read. You and Taffy recommend him so I’ll try to overcome my opinion that he is toxic and give him a go.
Oh, thanks for sharing, Lena! Philip Roth fascinated me as well when I first started writing—and he still does! When She Was Good is one of my favorites. And of course, Madame Bovary—a must-read for any passionate French reader—holds a special place in my heart. Ahah!
SO happy to see While I Was Gone here, an expert suspense novel with such incredible first-person introspection at the same time: I thought I was the only one who'd read it in the past decades years! You might also like Jane Smiley's Duplicate Keys, about a group of friends in their twenties living in the city (UWS) in the early 1980s, who all have keys to each other's apartments - two get killed at the start and the rest is trying to figure out who did it and why.
I am a big Jane Smiley fan but haven't read Duplicate Keys. Thank you!
Oh WOW also I feel Jane also gets lumped in with mom books- again not an insult just writers who are kept in a box !
Thank you!! I ordered them all. Also, “I’m not a republican,” made me spit out my tea. 😂
Sometimes I meet young people and I’m like “you must think I’m literally darning my husband’s socks”
Please read “The Not Wives” by my friend Carley Moore!
Will look! Yay!!!
https://www.feministpress.org/books-n-z/the-not-wives
And she even has a substack: https://carleymoore.substack.com/!
there is something painfully
chic about an affair tho
nothing chicer- let’s have one! Why not ! (We would just adopt cats and get tattoos and laugh)
I just read When She Was Good after rewatching that incredible Girls episode, made me SCREAM on behalf of dear Lucy Nelson, thank you for the rec <3
poor LUCY