Glasses Icons
on finally living my four-eyed childhood dream, a little too late
Remember when you were in grade school and you were jealous of the kids who were early gear adapters? Things that are, objectively, a massive pain in the ass and totally unfun- such as braces and accompanying headgear, a corrective scoliosis device (like Judy Blume’s Deenie!) and glasses- seemed, from afar and at least to me, like these glamorous indicators of growth, blue ribbons that said you were old enough to matter. I remember wishing- truly, a prayer style craving- that I had HOMEWORK (and, when I finally did, I stuffed it in the hidden pouch of my off brand Adidas backpack with incorrect # of stripes and never fucking looked at it again- and if that’s not a metaphor for growing up, I don’t know what is!)
I eventually did get braces- only on the bottom row of teeth, wrong! I have had my fair share of implements to guide joints into alignment, and the lord severely punished me for my youthful glamorization of walkers and canes (which do, actually, rule- once you’ve adjusted to the optics and aren’t trying to get laid on the Lower East Side.) But I have never needed glasses. And somewhere along the way, I became invested in the idea that, no matter how else my body failed, my 20/20 vision remained. Vision and memory and an attitude of some sort, all a girl really needs.
And books. Books that she can actually see.
About six months ago, something changed- my eyes started feeling heavy, like two Goop Jade eggs had been crammed in the wrong sockets, and my lids began twitching as if I were trying and failing to pass a lie detector test (“I have never met Mandy, not once, and certainly had no idea she was fucking my husband! That’s sad that she died though.”)
The first self-diagnosis was allergies (allergic to bullshit!) followed by mini-stroke, because of course that’s the most obvious conclusion as to why an at capacity 40 year old’s eyeballs might feel funny. Finally, I slyly Uber Eats’d a pair of readers from Walgreen’s, to prove to myself that this was not in fact a vision issue- slipped them on, peered out over my nose, and the world (aka my phone) looked right again. My lids melted, butter on warm bread. I noticed a long silver hair growing from my cheek- had that been there this whole fucking time!?
Oh lordy, she’s forty…
I love adapting. I love leaning into a new reality with a quickness. There’s so little I can claim to make easy, but I will change my perspective with an enthusiasm that will give you fucking whiplash and you’ll need your own brace. Plus, you all know by now that I love an accessory. So, once I came to terms with the new reality- I’m getting my third grade dream just a little too late- I set about finding styles that appealed and building the characters to go with them.
I never understood how we revamp every day- different earrings, different shoes, different bag, different celebrity crush- but everyone is meant to settle on a single set of frames. So, after going from “no way do I need glasses” to “glasses is my middle name” in thirty minutes flat, I set about scouring the web like I was investing in a magnifying glass and needed to understand the market. My goal was low impact investments with high impact vibes because, as I’ve said before, I’d rather have more inexpensive shiny things than have one very nice item, and some of us are just that way.
So here are my six (so far) new personas and the frames that activated them- with stunning John Berger inspired posters from our resident graphics genius Phoebe Ward.
Shout out to the glasses icons who came before us- Ali Wong and Gloria Steinem, Whoopi and Velma and Lisa Loeb. We honor you!
During my indie sleaze days I knew a guy who would wear giant bug eye sunglasses over his prescription wire frames, so profound was his commitment to mystery. Maybe that’ll be me this summer with my favorite Bru indifferent bitch sunglasses, in my OGBFF pregnant cheerleader swim skirt (my name not theirs) with my ever present mystery bruise. Or maybe the bruise is because I haven’t been able to see where I’m going…
Tell me your favorite glasses icons in the comments and any fun frame inspo/source/covert identity you’re working with…
And now, watch this pile be vanquished!
Four eyes full hearts can’t lose,
Lena
I have never related to to a phrase quite in the way that I felt "enjoys both local convenience and niche exclusivity" in my very bones
CACKLING at this. I remember being deeply impressed by my childhood friend's scoliosis brace and putting a paper clip in my mouth so it looked like I had a retainer. 🫠 I finally need glasses and finally feel cool.